Akatsuki in action
by Zetai
Summary: Well, this is about Akatsuki's hopeless and ridiculous attempts to capture Naruto.


**Akatsuki in action**

"Fuckers, it's mission time, we go now!"  
"But, leader, Tobi wanna eat cookies first and go to mission later."  
"Damn you, Tobi, I said now!"  
"Awwww, cookies first!"  
"Grrrh, take the stupid cookies with you and go."

Tobi grabbed the cookies, rushed through the door, and started running like crazy in some random direction.  
Pein yelled after him "Tobi, you moron, not that way." Tobi came back and started running in the opposite direction.  
"Oh, damn it, Tobi, just follow me. Come on, idiots, we're leaving."

So they were on their way to Konoha.

"Leader, do we have to walk, can't we just use some transport?"  
"No! That stupid Kakuzu sold the limo."  
"But Tobi is tired, Tobi can't walk any more."  
"Damn you, Tobi, it's less than 20 minutes since we left the hideout."  
"But Tobi is tired!"  
The others started complaining too. Pein sighed. "All right. Picnic time! We'll stop here. Now, where's the sake?"

Hours passed.  
Most of them were drunk, Tobi was stuffed with cookies, Pein was snoring. Kisame finally remembered they had a mission, after all, and tried to wake up Pein.  
"Uh? What? What's your fucking problem, Kisame?"  
"Er... leader... the mission."  
"Huh? What mision?"  
"Er... the nine-tailed demon fox."  
"Ah, right." Pein looked around and started kicking the others who were still sleeping. "You idiots, how dare you sleep in the middle of an important mission!"  
"Hm, leader, you actually woke up a minute ago."  
"Shut up Kisame."

Finally they were at the gate of Konoha, which was guarded by Izumo and Kotetsu. Pein made the I'm-so-evil expression on his face and said "You'll try to stop us, but I'll defeat you with my magnificent, amazing, unbelievably awesome skills, I'll..."  
Izumo and Kotetsu interrupted him. "Awww, come in, come in, funny people, welcome to Konoha."  
"Huh? Hey, we're the famous Akatsuki, you morons, we're extremely dangerous S-ranked criminals and we're gonna kick your a..."  
"Ahaha. We actually thought you were a travelling circus or something. Akatsuki? No way. You look more like a bunch of clowns."  
"Grrrh, now I'll demonstrate our incredible destructive power..."  
"Eh-hm, leader, actually they're not trying to stop us, so... can't we just enter?" Kisame suggested and tried to drag Pein through the gate.

Finally they were in Konoha.  
Sakura saw them and fixed her gaze on Itachi. She thought "OMG, he looks like Sasuke, he must be his evil brother, but that means that the other idiots are... Akatsuki? Unbelievable, they look like a bunch of... Yet, that's him, so..."  
Then she ran to the hokage's office. She rushed through the door and her brow twitched as she saw Tsunade snoring at her desk, empty bottles of sake scattered everywhere.  
"Tsunade, wake up, Akatsuki are attacking Konoha!"  
Tsunade yawned. "Why the hell you have to wake me up for such unimportant matter, you little bitch."  
"But... Tsunade, you must do something about that!"  
"Why me? Why the hell should I waste my time to deal with such a boring thing?"  
"You're the hokage, damn it!"  
"Ah, right. I forgot. Crap. Er... my assistant will take care of that." Tsunade yawned again.  
"Fine! Where's Shizune?"  
"Who? Ah, Shizune. I fired her. She worked too much. I have a new assistant. Lee, come here!"  
Lee entered the room, dragging his feet, his cheeks red. "What the fuck do ya want now, ya old witch?"  
"Lee, I have two missions for you. One very important, and one not important at all."  
"I'm listening."  
"Lee, go find some jonin and tell them there are some Akatsuki idiots around. Bring the jonin here to receive my orders."  
"And what is the not important mission?"  
"That was the not important mission. The important one is... go get more sake, you motherfucker!"

Meanwhile Pein was giving orders.  
"Listen you idiots. I had an awesome evil plan, but I forgot what it was. Now we'll just split up and look for the jinchuriki. If anyone interferes, kill them."

So, they started the search.

"Hey, Kakuzu, look at that blond, retarded looking idiot. I think that's the kid we're looking for."  
"Right, Hidan, it's him, we'll get him now."  
They approached Naruto.  
"Yo, little brat, you'll come with us."  
"Er... no. I'm busy. I'm gonna have some ramen."  
"Damn. He wasn't supposed to say that. Erhm, I told you, little brat, you'll come with us."  
"But why?"  
Kakuzu tried to find a fake reason. "Um... we want you to join our organization. So come with us now..."  
"Join? What for? That organization... What are you guys usually doing there?"  
"Well, we rob, kill, rape, you know, such things."  
"Yay! That sounds cool. I'm in. But... ramen first!"  
Kakuzu and Hidan sighed.

Deidara and Sasori were walking on the street when Kakashi bumped into them.  
"Dude, can't you see where you're walking, un."  
"Dei, I think we should kill him."  
Kakashi didn't even look away from the book in his hands, but sat on a bench and continued reading.  
"Er... dude, we're gonna fight you now, un."  
No reaction.  
"Damn it. At least look at us!" Sasori yelled.  
Kakashi just hid his face behind the book and kept reading. Deidara and Sasori sighed. Then they sat on the bench next to him, annoyed and curious.  
"Um... so... watcha reading, un?"

Zetsu was standing in front of a shop window, looking at what was inside with great interest.  
"What do you want, green boy?" A blond girl appeared at the door.

Kisame was moving in a stealthy manner, thinking no one had noticed him yet. Then he heard a laughter behind his back.  
"Ahahaha," Neji laughed hysterically. "You're wearing pink satin panties. I can see, I can see. Ahahaha."  
Kisame's face turned red and he ran away.

Itachi was looking for Sasuke when he was suddenly knocked on the ground by a large group of girls.  
"OMG, he looks like Sasuke," one of them said.  
"Yeah, the same cute face," the others agreed.  
"Mmmm, and a hot body," another one moaned as she was taking off his akatsuki cloak.  
"Let's rape him!"

Some time later.  
"Eh-hm. Itachi, what are you doing with my fangirls?"  
"Brother... help... that's too much, I can't... any more..." Itachi desperately begged, but Sasuke had no intention to help.  
"Help? Ahahaha. As if I care about you. I'll just sit here and watch."  
When the fangirls got tired and went away, Itachi put his clothes back on and said "Sasuke, I guess you want to kill me, so now we'll fight."  
Sasuke looked at him with surprise. "Kill you? What for?"  
"Well, I destroyed the whole clan."  
"Heh, I don't fucking care. All of them were pathetic losers."  
"But, Sasuke, you lost the ones you loved, our mother..."  
"That bitch! She was a stupid whore, you expect me to be sorry for her? You're annoying."  
"But..."  
Sasuke ignored him, turned his back on him, and started walking away.  
"Sasuke, your hair looks like a chicken's butt."  
"What? What did you just say?" Sasuke stopped and slowly turned around, giving Itachi a ferocious look. "How dare you! Don't you ever, EVER, dare disrespect my absolutely awesome hairstyle! That's it! You're dead. I'll never forgive you!"  
"Ah, so now we'll fight."  
"Fight? Are you kidding? I just had my hair done."  
"Sasuke!" Itachi yelled at him and thought 'Now what was the name of my special ability, I'm supposed to say it...' He cleared his throat. " Er... miango sharingan! Um... no. Mangio sharingan! Crap. It's not that. Maniango sharingan! Fuck."  
( I actually heard these words while a kid was unsuccesfully trying to remember the real name. He told me "Do you know about miango sharingan?", and I said "WTF?")  
Usually, at moments like this Kisame was there to remind him, but right now he wasn't.  
Then Itachi remembered something. He took a note out of his pocket and handed it to Sasuke. "Brother, would you please read this to me, cause I can't see very well."  
Sasuke looked at the note. "It says mangekyo sharingan."  
"Ah, right. Mangekyo sharingan!"

They were inside the illusionary world of tsukuyomi.  
"Now what?" Itachi said.  
"Can you show me again the scene when you kill mom and dad, it's my favourite, I luv it!"  
"Jeez, Sasuke, you're a little sadist. And people call me crazy. You should get diagnosed and treated."

The door opened and Lee entered the hokage's office, followed by a group of jonin who were stumbling, yelling, and singing.  
"Lee, did you accomplish the missions?" Tsunade yelled at him.  
"Er... yeah, but... we have a problem. First I got some sake, then I found some jonin, but... after that we drank the sake and... I don't think the jonin are useful now."  
"Forget the jonin and go get some more sake, you motherfucking idiot, and don't drink it this time!"  
Lee rushed out of the room. Tsunade looked at the yelling and singing jonin. "You, fuckers, go have a party somewhere else. Er... you, the cute one, you can stay here."

Pein was sleeping under a tree. An apple fell on his head and he woke up. "Huh? Where am I? Ah, right, in Konoha... but why am I here?" He spent 10 minutes thinking about that. "Oh, a mission. But what was the mission? Jeez, I'll find the others and ask them."  
He started walking. Soon he saw Itachi and Sasuke who were laughing hysterically at something only the two of them could see.  
"Apparently, they're busy." He went on and soon he saw Deidara and Sasori sitting on a bench with Kakashi, all three of them concentrated on the book in Kakashi's hands, Sasori and Deidara blushing.  
"Sasori, Deidara, we have a mission!"  
"Ah, leader, not now, this is really interesting!"  
Pein sighed.  
The next one he found was Zetsu.  
"Zetsu! I know we have a mission, but what was..."  
Zetsu interrupted him. "I don't care about your mission anymore. I quit! Now I have a new job."  
"But how? What new job? Where?"  
"Now I work at the Yamanaka flower shop. I've always loved plants more than killing."  
At that moment Ino appeared at the dood of the shop. "Zetsu, you motherfucker, I need help. Drag your lazy ass back here, or you're fired!"  
"Sorry, Pein, I gotta go." Zetsu rushed to the shop. "I'm here, bitch... er, I mean boss."

Now Pein was completely confused. He was wondering what to do when he heard some loud yelling. He looked around and saw Naruto, Kakuzu and Hidan at Ichiraku's ramen.  
"No way!" Kakuzu was shouting like mad. "No way you make me pay for your ramen, you greedy little bastard. Hidan, we're outta here, now!"  
"Guys, wait!" Pein yelled after them, but it was too late, they were gone.

Then he heard shouting coming from another direction. He went that way to see what was this all about.  
A group of people had gathered around a familiar figure who was standing on a box and was shouting, apparently trying to persuade them in something. It was Tobi. Pein came closer. "Tobi, what are you doing?"  
Tobi looked at him and said with a very serious and threatening voice "Use my real name and obey my orders. And you, miserable people, shiver in fear. As I already said, I'm Madara and now you will helplessly watch me take over the world!"  
"Oh, c'mon Tobi, not that bullshit again."  
"I'm Madara!"  
"Yeah, right. And I'm Santa Claus."  
Everyone looked at Pein. One of them dared to ask "Is he really... Madara?"  
Pein laughed. "Hell no! He only thinks he is. This happens when he hasn't taken his antipsychotic medicine. C'mon, Tobi, come here, you forgot the pills again, didn't you? "  
"I told you I'm Madara. I had the legendary fight with the first hokage. Well, actually there was no fight at all, we played strip poker all night and he lost and got naked, and I ran away cause he had a huge dick and he wanted to shove it in my..."  
"Tobi, just shut up already. I wonder where Kisame is." As Pein said that, he noticed a poster on a wall. It was an ad for some gay club with a picture of a strange looking person on it. Pein started reading "Welcome to our special show! Tonight! For the first time on the stage will be our new star! Kisame Hoshigaki!" Pein took a closer look at the picture on the poster. It was really Kisame! With all the bright make-up, feminine clothes and enormous blond wig, he was almost unrecognizable, but that blue face... it was him.

'Ewwww' Pein thought, 'so Zetsu is not the only one who got a new job.'  
He went back to Sasori and Deidara and found them still sitting on the bench with Kakashi, unable to look away from his book, their faces bright red. Pein sat next to them.  
"So...watcha reading, guys?"

And now, let's see what was going on in the world of Tsukuyomi.

"Ehehe, Itachi, that was really fun. I like the way you cut mom's head. Show me some more of your bloody memories."  
"Ehm, well. Let me see... take a look at that. Ooooops... mistake, not that." Itachi tried to remove the image, but it was stuck. "Um... don't look at that!"  
Sasuke blinked. "Er... Itachi, what's that memory? You're fucking some blond girl... OMG, the girl has a dick! Wow, a large dick. And... she's licking her dick with her... hand? Weird."  
"You jerk, that's not a girl, it's Deidara." Itachi finally managed to remove the image.  
"I don't care what her name is, Itachi, show me some more slaughter."

"No more fun, Sasuke, now I'll torture you."  
Then Itachi showed Sasuke a memory in which little Itachi accidentally looks through the window of their mother's bedroom and sees... Gai sensei fucking their mother like crazy.  
"OMG, Itachi nooo, stop it, noooo, OMG, my eyes burn, Gai sensei's naked ass, I'll throw up... awww noooo"  
Itachi laughed evilly and showed another memory, this time Gai sensei fucking their... father.  
"Aaaaaaa, Itachi please... nooo, no,no,no, please, stop it..." Sasuke collapsed on the ground, coughing blood and throwing up.  
"Hehehe, and now I'll show you a threesome with Gai sensei and..."

…

Sasuke: That's it! Writer, you've gone too far! Stop it now!  
Itachi: This story is ridiculous.  
Writer: Heh, I'll write whatever I want.  
Sasuke and Itachi: We'll stop you!  
Writer: You have no chance against my awesome technique.  
Sasuke and Itachi: What technique?  
Writer: Crap writing no jutsu.  
Sasuke: And what's that supposed to mean?  
Writer: You're in my story and I can make horrible things happen to you, if you continue to bother me.  
Itachi: Like what?  
Writer: You'll get raped by uncle Fester from the Addams family.  
Itachi and Sasuke: Nooooooooooooooooooo.  
Sasuke: That's it! Chidori... Er, Itachi, why did you stop me?  
Itachi: Foolish little brother, you can't beat her powerful jutsu with your miserable technique. Now watch this.  
Writer: Eh-hm... Itachi, why are you taking your clothes off?  
Itachi: Extreme Uchiha hotness no jutsu!  
Writer: OMG! *falls on the ground with a heavy nosebleed*  
Sasuke: Is it over?  
Writer: Not yet!  
Itachi: Sasuke, take off your clothes and come here.  
Sasuke: WTF? Oh, I got it.  
Itachi and Sasuke: Hot Uchihacest no jutsu! *they start kissing and touching each other*  
Writer: … *screams, squirms, gets a heavier nosebleed and faints*  
Sasuke: Did we kill her?  
Itachi: I dont think so. That thing is not easy to kill. But the story is over.

…

Itachi: Dear readers, we're sorry to inform you that this story will not be finished because we're experiencing technical difficulties ( writer being knocked out).

**… … …**

**Author's Comment**

Sasuke: Hm, now what's that?  
Itachi: Some kind of writer's comment. Well, writer got knocked out, so I guess we'll have to do it.  
Tsunade: Lee, where's the sake?  
Pein: Where am I? Oh, it's a comment. But why am I here?  
Kakuzu: If you want me to do the disclaimer, you'll have to pay me.  
Hidan: Hehe, uncle Fester is my best friend.  
Tobi: I'm Madara, people, why no one believes me?  
Itachi: Everyone, qiuet! I'm trying to make a comment here. So... this is a stupid fanfic, I hate it, blah, it's awful, don't read it. And I'm not such an idiot as in the fanfic. Ask Masashi Kishimoto, I'm his character.  
Sasuke: Itachi, didn't you forget something?  
Itachi: Ah, yeah. The others are also Masashi Kishimoto's characters, but unlike me, they're really idiots.  
Everyone: Moron!


End file.
